Youthful Enthusiasm

Just in case you haven't gotten enough of Kristen's niece and nephew on Facebook ... :) And in a few short months, you will be bombarded with even more pics of her newest niece/nephew (Erin's baby). Can't wait! More pics of my latest visit to come ...

If you haven't already seen it, you need to head to YouTube and check out the following video:

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJVrkRxIJQ

It's the music video of the Newsboys song "Something Beautiful", shot in conjunction with the film "Miss HIV", a movie aimed at taking the stigma out of HIV/AIDS. I played the music video at least 10 times in a row tonight. I found it as I was looking on YouTube for songs from the 90s that used to really move me. "Shine" (also by the Newsboys) would absolutely be the soundtrack to my later years in high school - there's something about that song that still gives me goosebumps.

It got me thinking a little ... in a few short months, I will be 30, twice as old as I was when "Shine" was playing incessantly on my walkman. Life has changed a LOT since then. High school, Bible college, other years of post-secondary, many loved ones in heaven and about as many have been added to my family. I've moved from Nipawin (back in those days, I was sure I'd never leave!) and changed career plans a dozen times: medical researcher, pharmacist, working with orphans in Africa, missionary, French Immersion teacher, working with street people, opening up a free ESL school and living in Chinatown in Vancouver, translator, etc, etc. etc. Never did ANY of those things, but God's 'alternate plans' were an even better fit that I could never have planned out for myself. It's funny, though, how even when we get involved in projects and causes that are intended to save the world how we can so easily lose sight of why we do these things. It seems like a cyclical reaction to life -- in high school, I was ready and willing to do anything to make the world a better place, then a little slump near the end of Bible school (which coincided with an unfortunate reaction to Mefloquine). Then, with a box of clothes, a box of books and a one way ticket, I lept into Vancouver ready for whatever lay in wait for me there ... then a slump a few years later when I burned out badly in my ESL career. And, true to form, another injection of hope as I went back to school in a completely different direction, and currently, a weird feeling of unsettledness at an important crossroads. School is nearly done ... so now what? Part of me is so desperate for a stable life. Being in school and moving around every few months has been unsettling and my 30 year old female instincts tell me to stop and nest ASAP :) Another part of me hears incredible songs (like those Newsboys ones), sees people like Nelson Mandela on TV, has her heart tweaked by causes and wonders if she isn't becoming distracted by the ease of life here in the Canadian 21st century.

I come to this place often ... wondering if my life is on track, if I'm headed where I should be. I have to admit that one of the hardest things in life for me is 'translating' good parts of my past into the present. For example, growing up, I had a pre-established social network -- school, kids at NBI, etc. Being painfully shy, this was great; I rarely needed to introduce myself, and my reasons for hanging out with most people in my social sphere were obvious: we were in the same class for years, our parents worked together, etc. Then I moved to Vancouver -- which I loved, mind you -- but dang, how on earth do you make friends like the good old days when your neighbours don't even speak English? I keep running into problems like this and my sinister mind keeps telling me that unless I completely 'recreate' the way things were when I was younger (when life was so much less complicated), then I am a complete failure. I was tempted to think that tonight in listening to those songs from my teenage years -- why aren't I as gung-ho for causes like I used to be? I probably could stand to be little more moved in the 'youthful enthusiasm' department, but I need to remind myself that success in these areas at 30 is going to look different than it did back then ... and in a good way. Back then, sure, the world seemed much more black and white, but it was also more complicated with self-esteem questions, wacked-out hormones and other reasons for teenage angst. My world today may seem way more complicated and more grey than I had hoped, but at this point in life, I am finally in a position to do something significant about it. My sister encouraged me the other day, saying that I should be happy to be turning 30 because there is no longer any reason for people not to take me seriously anymore. :)

So now the question is, where do I go from here? I am at a major crossroads right now -- just about done school and starting to look for work. I will be moving home with my parents in mid-August, and from there, I have no idea what kind of work I will be involved in or even where I will live (I'm thinking Vancouver/Victoria, but who knows?). I could use your prayers as I try to sort this all out. I'm still in the excited/hopeful stage, and I pray that I find direction before that hope turns to lost discouragement. That being said, this year has taught me that if I have a safe place to sleep, food to eat, and people who love me, it's all good. I told myself that again just the other day when my fridge completely died and now all I have to eat for the next 4 weeks are non-refrigerated/non-cooked food items. Yet, I'm not starving, I'm safe in my little 100sq. ft living space, I have people who love me, and for that I should be very thankful. That's more than many and I'm trying not to forget that.

Well, it's late, and I should really get to bed. Hope you are all well, and I would love to hear from you soon. Take care,

Love, KNL